The Reluctant Person’s Confrontation Playbook

When people behave in ways that bother us — a callous comment, an interruption, a self-appointed license to take what’s ours without giving back — why do so many of us find it easier just to let it go? We make excuses for the other person. Or we pretend to shrug it off, though the behavior continues to niggle us, deep in our thoughts. Worse, we start avoiding the other person. Complaining behind her back, resenting her. But we never speak up.

Those negative feelings don’t go away because we suppress them. Sometimes they poison a once-wonderful relationship. Or, our mind starts to run on a victim script: I’m always putting up with other people’s bad behavior. People are so inconsiderate. I follow the rules, why don’t they?

Here’s the thing: When we’re silent, we can become resentful, and then we don’t live the best life we possibly could. We make our voices tinier, our expectations smaller. And, in those gaps, insecurity sprouts. Our reluctant manner tells others that we care less about our needs and feelings than we actually do. In short, we’re cheating ourselves.

Yes, confrontation can be scary, but let’s imagine we do speak up. Each time, it enhances our options, our confidence, our comfort in the world. It also demonstrates what we value and how we want to be treated. In short, we open up our possibilities.

Given the choice of shrinking or expanding your life, logic points to the latter. But our emotions might lean toward the former. (Trust us, we know the feeling!) That’s why we put together this guide, to show us all how confrontation can lead to far better things than a black-eye.

WHEN TO CONFRONT AND HOW
Barbara Pachter wrote the book The Power of Positive Confrontation with strategies that work for everyone. The key to handling any confrontation — whether work- or home-related — Pachter says, is to use her WAC’em™ dialogue, which consists of three essential parts:

• the What = a specific description of the behavior that bothers you
• the Ask = a request to change it
• the Check-in = a question to make sure you’ve been heard and understood.

“The first part is about not labeling the other person’s behavior,” she says. “We’re so quick to label each other as jerks, and that can lead to aggression. But, when you choose to confront someone and get your words together in this way — what comes to your mind is going to be polite, calm, direct, and non-accusatory. You know what’s bothering you, you know the other person’s point of view, you know what you want. And you ask for it.” She adds, “Then you have to turn it over, get the other person’s response. Just because you’re asking for something doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.”

Our printable practice sheet, The Reluctant Person’s Confrontation Playbook, gives examples of how to apply this formula in four common conflict situations, and also what to do when the other person’s response is negative.

WHO YOU MAY BE CONFRONTING
1. The Takers: You’re giving and they’re taking.
Your friend doesn’t pay you back for movie night. Your sister calls you daily to complain your ear off. This is the second time you cooked dinner for your roommate and she hasn’t helped clean up. Your manager gives you all the work and takes all the credit…

2. The Rule-breakers: They think they’re above the law.
Your coworker is consistently late with deadlines. The girl you’re seeing texts 20 minutes before dinner to say that she can’t make it. Someone jams the printer and doesn’t fix it. He doesn’t remember your anniversary…

3. The Self-involved: They’re stuck on Planet Clueless.
Your mother insists on a Hawaiian family vacation, even though you can’t afford it. No one’s vegan but she’s making a tofurkey for the “fun” of it. Your friend’s Facebook post about your ex’s fancy holiday shindig makes you feel bad. Your sister knows that you won’t be in town that week, but guess when she schedules the baby shower? It’s your meeting, but he takes it over…

4. The Insulters: They think rudeness is just being real.
That guy thinks dumb blonde jokes are really funny. She calls you an idiot because you didn’t know how to work the coffee machine. Your dad puts you down at every family gathering. Your friend says you’re too fat to wear a bathing suit. Every time she gets mad, she swears at you…

WHEN TO LET IT GO
Sometimes — not all the time — it’s best not to confront. When you’re faced with any of these four scenarios below, Pachter says to walk away:

• The other person is out-of-control (angry, manic, tearful, etc), or at risk of becoming so.
• The other person’s offensive behavior is simply out-of-character. It’s okay to dial up your empathy — everyone has off-days — and let it go.
• You’re in a bad mood. Even the littlest thing (an empty milk carton, a coworker correcting your grammar) feels like a huge deal. Save your words for when you’re more in control.
• This is one of those friendships where you give a little, you take a little. He puts up with your foibles, and you shrug it off when he invites himself over and drinks all your beer.

But in other situations where you’re bothered and beleaguered, speaking up is often the best way to solve the problem. So let’s practice with this worksheet.

INCLUDES:
PDF worksheet (1 page)